Transformers: Dark Of The Moon Review

Like a Decepticon invasion, Dark Of The Moon attacks mercilessly, leaving no survivors. It's Michael Bay's most explosive movie by far, and considering Revenge Of The Fallen and Armageddon, that's damned impressive. Dark Of The Moon, (which conspicuously lacks the word "side") is loud, shocking and at times actually good.
Let's not go nuts, though. Within the first five minutes of the movie, you'll see what could have easily been a trailer for an entirely different movie. First there's some behind the scenes footage from Apollo 13 wherein lab-coated bespectacled men track some sort of mysterious craft as it crashes into the moon. Then, in a rapid series of cuts between 3D CGI versions of President Kennedy that are so realistic you'd swear it was an actual physical JFK Android, and stock-footage from the era, the audience is told that the entirety of the space-race was all about getting a hold on this alien technology before the other side did. Some people might be awed by this, but it's not a new idea. Everything from Star Trek to the '90s PC-Game Battlezone postulated similar (and more imaginative) versions of this idea.
Speaking of Star Trek, Leonard Nimoy is in this movie. Which, from a Transformers fan point of view seems rather natural. After all, back in the '80s he voiced Galvatron in Transformers: The Movie. If you're not familiar with this movie, I'll simply say this; Optimus and Megatron fought to the death, Optimus won, and then died (kind of a Pyrrhic victory if you ask me). Megatron was so badly injured that he required a complete systems upgrade. This upgrade was so substantial that it not only changed his voice from Frank Welker's to Leonard Nimoy's, it also entailed a name-transplant (perhaps his name circuit got some schmutz on it). So Megatron became Galvatron. And now, Galvatron's voice is coming out of Dark Of The Moon's "Sentinel Prime".
If, upon hearing Galvatron's voice, you assume that Sentinel Prime is a baddie, you are astute. Sentinel Prime's betrayal of the Autobots is so obvious that he might as well have red eyes and horns.
Early on, an episode of Star Trek: The Original Series is playing on a TV being watched by one of the million and six characters in the movie. Then, Leonard Nimoy, speaking through Sentinel Prime quotes himself from Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan. Then, later still, Bumblebee (who still can't talk because Ratchet is terrible at his job) excerpts Leonard Nimoy's voice from Star Trek II to tell Sam that "he has and always will be his friend".
Based purely on these elements, you might assume that this movie is amazing. That would be a foolhardy assumption. It's certainly funny at times. At one point Ken Jeong shows up and for a brief period makes the movie awesome. Then Alan Tudyk shows up and again, for a brief period, the movie is awesome. Aside from these sporadic moments of greatness, there isn't much making this movie worthwhile.
There are moments of stunning visual impact during the destruction of Chicago sequence (which goes on forever). During the human counter-attack Josh Duhamel and his crew-cut compadres soar through the air over the city while under fire from Decepticon aircraft. Yes, the robots that transform into vehicles also have vehicles of their own (can a Cybertronian marry his car?).
If you were ever annoyed by the product placement in a movie, this thing might drive you to suicide. Everything from Lenovo monitors to iPads are fair game (actually, it might have been a Samsung Galaxy). A Decepticon becomes an expensive watch. Nearly every car has picked their side and chosen a name. Sam apparently uses Twitter and Facebook. Even the former "Sears Tower", now named the "Willis Tower" gets a name-drop (probably because the production required extensive use of the building when stuntmen were jumping off of it, and the proprietors of the building required them use their preferred nomenclature).
After the destruction of Chicago, Sam and Epps (the soldier who's not Josh Duhamel) get into an argument after arriving at the lakefront. This brief scene is the only point in the movie when the actors really seem to be emoting, rather than simply acting really hard.
As for the big question of whether Not Megan Fox can act, the answer is, yeah, sure, I guess. But it's nothing to write home about, unless the folks at home are really interested in Victoria's Secret models and their acting abilities. Not Megan Fox's name is Rosie-Huntington Whitely, whose name weighs more than her. After the extensive space-race introduction, the first image on screen following the title is Rosie's butt. Not complaining, just stating. It's a bit silly, and it certainly doesn't say: "Take this movie seriously".
At the end of the day, it's hard to hate this movie. But I think I'm up to the challenge. 2.1 out of 10